Yesterday, I was thinking back to my high school years, when I took "seminary". Now, for those of you who are not members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, seminary is something that us "Mormon" kids got to enjoy each and every day, during the school year. You took seminary from 9th grade, through 12th grade. Now, before you all think I'm going to get religious on my music blog, I'm not... well, not unless you count my musings about "Satanic music" something religious.
Each year, during our seminary experience, we could always count on a music lesson. This lesson would warn us about the dangers of popular music, especially that of Rock music that had a darker edge. When I was attending Murray High School (that's the school that American Idol's David Archuletta attends, yo), there was one particular teacher who was known as the authoritarian of the evils of Rock music. He would go from class to class, teaching his two day lesson, warning us of the evils that may be infiltrating our aural cavities.
I was reminded of these lessons, as I was listening to The Beatles' "White Album". Let me explain why, in just one moment. For now, I am going to list my...
TOP FIVE FALLACIES I LEARNED IN MY SEMINARY MUSIC LESSON!
5. LED ZEPPELIN'S "STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN": SATANIC TO THE BONE!!
Yes, our teacher devoted nearly one full class to "Stairway To Heaven", alone.
Not to mention the interior album artwork, or (if I'm not mistaken) St. Peter. He
dissected the lyrics, calling attention to the line, "There's a Feeling I get, when I
look to the west..." going on about how we, as LDS people, believe that when Christ returns again, he will return from the east. Now, that may be what we believe, BUT, he felt that this reference was blatantly satanic. Now, please understand that I am not saying that Led Zeppelin were saints, and it is common knowledge (albeit a possible
urban legend) that Jimmy Page dabbled in the occult... but we need to remember that "the occult" is far more than satanism. Wait, am I supposed to capitalize that word??
4. BACKWARDS MASKING IS SATANIC!!
Yes, our teacher felt that ANY AND ALL bands that used backwards masking in their music, was one of Satan's minions. This would include The Beatles with their song, REVOLUTION #9 (the song that gave me the idea to write this), of which, when played backwards, repeats the phrase, "Turn me on dead man". Oh, and let's not forget ELO... and QUEEN... heaven forbid, their song "Don't Try Suicide", when played backwards implores the listener to "decide to smoke marijuana"... and after all, who would want you to smoke marijuana... SATAN!! Wait... Led Zeppelin had one... "Stairway To Heaven"... backwards... "sweet Satan, sir". Wait a minute, disregard number five. Satanic for sure! ;-)
3. KISS-AC/DC-RUSH.... all SATANIC!
Why, you ask? AC/DC stands for ANTI-CHRIST/DEVIL'S CHILDREN. You may have thought it stood for "alternating current/direct current", and you would be WRONG!!
RUSH? "RULED UNDER SATAN'S HAND". Yup. Go ask my seminary teacher. He would tell no lies. KISS, you ask? "KNIGHTS IN SATAN'S SERVICE". That's right, people. Go grab your Love Gun album... that's your ALBUM, NOT your "love gun", guys.... and burn them. Throwing them away is NOT good enough. Someone may get hold of them, and fall under Beelzebub's spell. And I'll have none of that.
2. Wait a minute... I believe that I was thinking number 3, directly above, was going to be listed as a couple different numbers. And I actually only have 4 items, since I listed those three bands under the above heading. So... let's move on to number one. And a drum roll, please...
1. JAMES TAYLOR'S "YOU'VE GOT A FRIEND" is... you guessed it... SATANIC!!
Okay, before I go on, I need to say hi to Kate, one of my loyal readers. Hi, Kate. Now, Kate... before you get up in my grill about that song being a Carole King composition, I just want you to know that I know that... I just don't think that Brother Best knew that. So, let's address that, shall we? "When you're down and troubled, and you need a helping hand, and nothing, whoa nothing is going right, close your eyes and think of me, and soon I will be there, to brighten up even your darkest night. You just call up my name, and you know wherever I am, I'll come running to see you again..." Yeah, those are the lyrics. Are you feeling chilled to the bone? Well, Brother Best seemed to think that if you were to call someone's name in the middle of the night, that Satan is the guy who would like to show up. Forget the fact that this song can be flipped around, 180 degrees, and be used as a positive influence, telling the listener that if you are burdened with the crap that life has to offer, that you can pray to God, and that He will be there for you... even in your darkest night. Forget the fact that the song was actually written by Carole King, probably on her farm in Idaho, right after she summoned assistance on the lyrics, via her Ouija board...NOT! I'm sorry, folks, but I'm not buying this one.
The girl I felt sorry for, was a member of our class. Just two weeks before this lesson, she had actually played the James Taylor version of this song, as part of her devotional. Oh, yes... for you non-Mormons, a devotional is where someone gets up and shares a thought, a song, something inspirational, to get you in the "spirit" for learning about the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
On a funny, related note: When I was in 9th grade, my seminary teacher told us that we could play any song, "even if it's by Van Halen", as long as the message is positive. Now, seriously people... "Hot For Teacher"?? Anyhow, I knew better than to dig into my Van Halen collection, because "Runnin' With the Devil" wasn't going to cut it. BUT, I did TWO devotionals... one featuring, "FREEWILL" by RUSH (yup, Ruled Under Satan's Hand), because of our belief in coming to this Earth, following Christ's plan to learn and grow through freeagency. Also, "BLAZIN' YOUR OWN TRAIL AGAIN", by REO SPEEDWAGON. Why? Because the message was a motivational one. Hey, it may have been a stretch, but it was sure good to hear REO in seminary.
Now playing: 10cc - I'm Not In Love